Latest from The Onion
The Onion
3 days ago
- The Onion
Thai Woman Arrested For Blackmailing Monks With Sex Tapes
Thai police recently arrested a woman who allegedly had sexual intercourse with Buddhist monks, then used photo video blackmail of the acts to extort an estimated 385 million baht from them. What do you think? 'Blackmail is the best way to make people relinquish earthly attachments.' Scott Danvers, Charter Reviewer 'If any monks are listening, I am a very discreet lover.' Nathaniel Katzung, Duct Duster 'And here I've been fucking Buddhist monks just for the karma.' Beth Plowden, Novelties Curator
The Onion
3 days ago
- General
- The Onion
Tips For Getting Kids Interested In Reading
Studies show that children who read for pleasure perform better on tests and suffer from fewer mental health problems. Here are some tips for fostering a love of reading: Make time every day to read the neighbor's mail as a family. Emit a high-pitched noise every time they're not reading. Use a marker to retitle every book in your home Roblox Tips . Give each letter of the alphabet a corresponding sound to be made with the mouth. Tell them MrBeast wrote The Lord Of The Rings . Make your kids understand that your love for them is directly tied to their reading ability. Try dipping the books in ketchup. Let your children play with the gun inside the hollowed-out cover. Tell them that some books contain the word 'ass.' Create a tense, hostile environment at home, prompting them to seek refuge in the world of literature. Evaluate your personal ethics before giving up and buying them the entire Harry Potter series.
The Onion
3 days ago
- Politics
- The Onion
Nation Boards Up Windows, Retreats To Cellar As Lena Dunham Reenters News Cycle
WASHINGTON—Springing into action to save what it could, the U.S. populace reportedly got to work this week boarding up windows and retreating to its cellars moments after learning Lena Dunham had reentered the news cycle. 'Dear God, the day has finally come,' said Tulsa, OK, resident Amanda Pendleton, just one of the millions of Americans across the country who shoved whatever shelf-stable foods they could grab into their children's arms and rushed to the stables to free the horses, hoping they would have a fighting chance against the emotionally raw, Dunham-centered onslaught headed straight their way. 'That's plenty of plywood on the door. Come on, kids, it's time. Grab any weapons you can find and get downstairs. Don't worry about Grandma. It's too late to save her.' At press time, source confirmed the nation had placed cyanide tablets between its teeth in preparation for the terrible event and bitten down the moment the discourse arrived.
The Onion
3 days ago
- Entertainment
- The Onion
Jim Davis Reveals He Studied Musculature Of Medical Cadavers To Properly Draw Jon
ALBANY, IN—Explaining that true artistry requires obsessiveness and a scientific understanding of form, cartoonist Jim Davis revealed Friday that he studied the musculature of medical cadavers in order to properly draw the character Jon in his syndicated comic strip. 'Before I drew a single panel of Garfield , I spent months meticulously examining corpses so that I could make Jon as lifelike as possible,' said Davis, who estimated that he dissected over 30 bodies in his quest to understand how muscles, ligaments, and tendons work beneath the skin. 'I've got notebooks filled with just sketches of hands so that I could perfectly render Jon's three fingers and thumb in a way that makes anatomical sense. When he squints, you can practically see the orbicularis oculi muscles contracting the lids over his enormous egg-shaped eyes. Jon represents mankind and the intersection between the human and the divine, so it was very important to me that his proportions reflect that.' Davis added that he drew Nermal based on a memory of some bloated roadkill he saw once.
The Onion
3 days ago
- Health
- The Onion
Rabid RFK Jr. Bites Foreign Dignitary
WASHINGTON—In what may be their first apology issued for the behavior of a Cabinet member, White House officials reportedly apologized to a foreign dignitary Tuesday after the man was bitten by a rabid Robert F. Kennedy Jr. 'Sorry, sorry, that's just our health secretary—I don't know what's gotten into him!' senior aide Tasha Sturbridge said as Kennedy snarled and sank his teeth deep into the leg of Japanese envoy Haruto Tanaka, with eyewitnesses reporting a mixture of blood and frothed saliva ringing the secretary's mouth as his eyes rolled back in his head. 'Bobby, let go. Let go! Someone throw him some of his favorite zebra meat so he'll go for that instead. Mr. Tanaka, my apologies, but you should probably get that looked at. The secretary definitely isn't up to date on his shots.' At press time, reports con- firmed rabies cases were sky- rocketing in the D.C. area after Kennedy bolted out an open door of the White House.
