Latest News from The Onion
The Onion
a day ago
- Business
- The Onion
U.S. Cancels Bird Flu Vaccine
The Trump administration canceled a contract awarded to Moderna for the late-stage development of its bird flu vaccine for humans, as well as the right to purchase shots. What do you think? 'Good, we don't need any more autistic birds.' Vince Geter, Systems Analyst 'Well, back to letting birds bite me until I'm immune.' Bill McKnight, Supplies Sorter 'This whole thing really feels like it should be birds' responsibility, anyway.' Nora Grimes, Dairy Separator
The Onion
2 days ago
- Entertainment
- The Onion
Guise And Dolls
Gemini (May 21 to June 20): You really shouldn't have done that…That's unfortunately as specific as the stars can be. Read Your Horoscope
The Onion
2 days ago
- Health
- The Onion
Study Finds Weed Use Linked To Early Heart Disease
A study found that healthy people who regularly smoked marijuana or consumed THC-laced edibles showed signs of early cardiovascular disease similar to tobacco smokers. What do you think? 'Sounds like the scientists were just having a panic attack.' Robby Hoagland, Systems Analyst 'Good thing I switched to bath salts.' Laura Pearcy, Knickknack Duster 'Fine, I'll stop deep-frying my blunts.' David Kronforst, Mustard Replenisher
The Onion
3 days ago
- Entertainment
- The Onion
Novelty Car Horn Playing ‘La Cucaracha' Sends Stephen Miller Into Dissociative Fugue State
WASHINGTON—Causing the White House deputy chief of staff to experience intense psychological distress, a novelty car horn playing 'La Cucaracha' reportedly sent Stephen Miller into a dissociative fugue state Friday. 'I saw him walking down the street when the horn sounded, and he froze in place for a full minute and then began shaking all over,' said onlooker Leanne Ossing, confirming that as soon as the first few notes of the Spanish folk song's melody hit Miller's ears, his eyes rolled back in his head, and he began drooling profusely. 'At first I was worried and thought about calling an ambulance. He just stood there with glazed eyes and an odd smile spreading across his face, and after a while he started repeating, ' Ya no puede caminar , ya no puede caminar ,' over and over again in perfect Spanish. It was eerie.' At press time, sources reported that a disoriented Miller had been found covered in blood outside an Immigration and Customs Enforcement detention center.
The Onion
3 days ago
- Health
- The Onion
Hair Loss: Myth Vs. Fact
An estimated 80 million Americans suffer from hair loss, including thinning and male pattern baldness. The Onion examines the myths and facts surrounding hair loss. MYTH: Genetics are the main cause of hair loss. FACT: Hair loss is most commonly caused by standing too close to an open flame. MYTH: Hair loss is permanent. FACT: For six easy payments of $1,200, nothing is permanent. MYTH: Baldness is caused by too much testosterone. FACT: Baldness is caused by too little hair. MYTH: If your mom's father is bald, you'll be bald. FACT: If your mom's father ignores the feeble witch on the side of the road, you'll be bald. MYTH: Too much sun can lead to hair loss. FACT: Hair needs soil, water, and sunlight to grow. MYTH: Women aren't attracted to bald men. FACT: Every woman you've ever met is sexually aroused by Stanley Tucci.
